


The Underwhelming Life and Overwhelming Death of Lizzy Hunter

by angelastjoan



Series: Fortunate Events [1]
Category: Actor RPF, Josh Hutcherson - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-02
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-17 14:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/552674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelastjoan/pseuds/angelastjoan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading my story and I hope you enjoyed Josh, Lizzy & Connor's time together.  This story is set in the past of A Series Of Fortunate Events which can also be found on Ao3. -Ang</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I looked up as the door to Geometry cracked open.  A slightly familiar face peeked into the room and then the door opened further and the boy slid the rest of his body through the opening.  He strolled casually toward where the teacher paused in the lesson at the blackboard.  After handing Mr. Lane a piece of paper, he kind of just stood there, uncertainty washing his features as he rocked side to side, shifting restlessly.

“Mr. Hutcherson?”

My eyebrows raised at that.  So that was why he looked familiar.  Mr. Hollywood had come back home. 

He nodded in acknowledgement and I crossed one leg over the other, swinging one slip on converse back and forth in the empty space beneath my desk.  Lindsey, the girl to my right, immediately leaned over and said, “Is that who I think it is?”

I just shrugged as if I wasn’t sure.  What business was it of mine to play into the gossip mill?  Of course I knew Connor who was a few grades behind us, although he was smarter than half the kids in our sophomore year at Hillcrest High.  Connor occasionally walked home with me if he stayed after for any clubs.  I stayed after every day because the school was the only place I could focus.  It was quiet and unassuming after everyone else left for the day, so unlike my house with my circus of a family constantly traipsing in and out of every room while I tried to study.

Connor just started middle school but he belongs to a handful of the clubs that take place at the high school.  Today is like every other.

Josh sits at the back of the class and flips open a spiral notebook, prepared to take notes and all the girls in class sneak peeks at him from over their shoulder.  He meets each curious look with a concerned tilt of his eyebrows like he’s not entirely sure what to make of the sudden attention.  Then the bell rings signaling lunch and I am slow putting my books into my book bag because I need to stay back and ask Mr. Lane for extra credit.  I bombed that last unit test and I can’t afford to let my GPA slip.  Connor has already promised to tutor me.

I’m not sure how sad that is, but he’s 4 years younger than me and understands atoms and nuclei while I’m still not convinced why grass is green and the sky is blue.  Color prisms still get me.  I move to the front of the row and Josh halts before he crosses my path, waving his arm with a flourish to let me out first. 

“Oh, I need to talk to Mr. Lane.  You can go ahead.” 

He shoots me a funny look and then glances over to where the teacher is erasing a few problems from the board.  “Do you get this stuff at all?”  He waves his notebook in the air between us and I smile widely.  I scoot around him since he is still standing there giving me space.

“I don’t.”  Then I look over my shoulder at him where he’s watching me curiously and I say, “But your brother does.”  Then I turn back around to find out how I can make up that horrible grade I was stuck with.

I have two more classes with him and our lockers are a few down from each other in the Science hallway.  At the end of the day I return there from Photography to switch out the books I need.  Josh is leaning against his locker, ignoring some girl trying to flirt with him, and stares at me openly.  Finally, I slam my locker shut and look up at him, pushing my wild brown curls off from in front of my eyes.  His smile is slow and he nudges past the girl asking him if he needs any help studying for Spanish.  I drop my hand after spinning the combination quickly to ensure it won’t open easily if someone passing by yanks on the lever.

Josh motions towards the stack of books in my arm tucked to my side.  “Can I help you with those?”

I smile and shake my head, “No, I’m fine.  But thank you.”  I turned and started away towards the exit leading towards the football field.  It didn’t take long for me to realize he was following me.  “I’m good, really.  You don’t have to come with me.”

He stopped as if just noticing he was still walking beside me.  He looked around, slightly confused and the tiniest bit hurt.  “Oh, um, okay.”

I licked my lips in thought and then blew out a heavy sigh, “There’s a nice breeze out today.  I was going to go sit on the bleachers and study for our Science test tomorrow.”  I nod my head towards the double doors leading out to the track and the football field and the set of metal bleachers that were unoccupied.  “If you want to join me, I wouldn’t be totally opposed.”

His face lit up as if he were being offered a most precious gift and he wrestled my three books from me and then moved ahead and held the exit door open, waiting for me to go through first.  I led the way up the steps of the bleachers all the way to the top.  Josh settled on the grooved seat one row beneath me and I folded my legs under me and dug my notes from Earth Science out of my bag. 

“You haven’t asked me anything.”

I glance up at his curious voice.  “What am I supposed to ask you?”

He shrugs and looks away, out over the football field where high schoolers are running plays.  To me, it looks like the junior varsity practice and I look back at Josh because honestly he’s more interesting than what’s happening on the ground.  And I don’t particularly find him all that interesting to begin with.  He clears his throat and then finally looks back at me, “Everyone keeps asking me why I’m here instead of there.”  He nods his head out into the open and I’m going to guess he means California.

I strategically arrange my index cards and then even out the edges with my hands making a neat little stack of information.  “I’m sure if you wanted to talk about it, you would.  Otherwise, it’s really none of my business.”

His lips slowly curve from a thoughtful pout to a small smile and he playfully shoves my knee with his hand.  “I like you, Lizzy.”

I shake my head in return and start asking him questions.  He’s been going to school for one day but he was previously home schooled and has some knowledge in what we’ve been studying. Eventually we trade and he becomes the questioner.  It’s nearly an hour later when I look up as another set of feet come stomping up the metal steps.  I smile as Connor comes to a halt.  Josh looks surprised for a moment before he greets his little brother by doing some fancy handshake that ends in an explosion of fists.  “What’s up, Connor?”

Before he can answer I hold out a hand and the younger Hutcherson brother helps me up.  “Connor walks me home on Mondays and Wednesdays.”

Josh looks between us with clarity.  “Oh.”  Then he hands me my note cards back and I tuck them away into my book bag.  “Do you think there’s room for one more?”

I smile over at him wonderingly.  “Of course there is.  And if you’re lucky Connor will let you sit in on our tutoring sessions.”  At Connor’s delayed shrug I add, “But you aren’t invited to the fall festival this weekend.  Connor’s my date, I claim him.”  At Josh’s wide eyed glance and grin, I hug Connor close and place a kiss against his temple.  I know the little guy has a crush on me and I’m not willing to risk breaking his heart and possibly losing his friendship just because there are a few years separating us.  Connor smiles wide and at the end of the bleachers he holds a hand out and I take it so he can help me step down.

The difference between Josh and Connor is that one brother knows my secret.  And it’s a secret I’m not interested in sharing with just anyone.

Connor and I walk home a few steps ahead of Josh.  It’s mid-October and our arms are linked as we fall in step with each other.  We kick up piles of fallen leaves off the sidewalk as we turn down the road that leads to my house and through the neighborhood to theirs. 

We reach the end of my driveway and I take my books from Josh and thank him as Connor walks me up the pathway to my door.  Just as is our routine he pulls open the screen door for me and I lean forward to place my cheek to his, closing my eyes.  I know Connor’s eyes are closed too and despite the ruckus that comes from inside the house where my siblings are all waiting, home from elementary and middle school, I take that strength that Connor offers and when I pull away, I grin at him. 

“See you in the morning?”

Just like every other day I nod and say, “You bet!”  And then I wave to Josh and disappear into my house, shutting the storm door behind me with my foot. 

It’s my job to get dinner and homework started.  I have 3 little sisters and 1 younger brother.  They range in age from 12 to 7 and as I’m the oldest at a wise, old 15 years of age, I am in charge.  My parents each work a full time job not just to support us but to keep up with my hospital bills.

I’m Elizabeth “Lizzy” Hunter.  I’m 15, not likely to ever turn 16.  And I’m a terminally ill cancer patient.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

In the morning, I dressed as quickly as possible before anyone else and then got breakfast started. The sharp pain that radiated from my chest outward towards my fingers on both sides made me stop for a second and my youngest sister looked up at me with a frown as I held the cereal box suspended over her bowl. The stabbing sensation passed and I finished fixing everyone’s breakfast. Then I waited for Olivia, the next oldest to get out of the shower. Connor was coming up the walk when I yelled upstairs, “I’m leaving! You’re it!”

Liv yelled back for me to have a good day, she was much more maternal than I had been at her age, and I was out the door and halfway down the path leading to the driveway when I met up with him. He looked me over quickly and asked the one thing I didn’t want to answer. “Are you okay?”

I grimaced and tucked my arm into his, hitching my bag a little higher. “There’s a little pain but nothing unbearable.” Connor knew about my illness when not many others did. I didn’t relish in the idea of being treated as if I were fragile, when in all reality I really was. I didn’t ask where Josh was and Connor didn’t offer so we walked together to school talking about this upcoming weekend and the festival. 

As we reached the split off where our schools went two separate pathways, I stopped and hugged Connor close to me. He was pretty much my best friend and if people thought that was weird, it didn’t matter to me. As far as I was concerned, life was too short to care what other people thought. And in my case that was factual. Connor tightened his arms around me and said against my shoulder, “A few more inches and we’ll be even.”

I pull back and grin down at him. “In your dreams.”

It wasn’t until I was in Science, Josh sitting to my right and one desk forward that the pain came back. I was just finishing on the scantron when I sucked in a breath and put a hand to my dizzy head. With the pencil clenched in my fist, I rubbed against my sternum trying to alleviate the pain as if I were suffering indigestion. My teacher, alerted to my health, tried not to make a big deal out of it and asked me if I needed to step out of the room. The way in which she said it ruined the grand gesture though because the hitch in her breath gave her away and I shook my head waiting for everyone’s attention to divert from me once again.

Josh’s gaze lingered on mine until I ducked my head and then I passed my test up with everyone else’s as the bell rang.

“Lizzy.” Josh and the teacher spoke my name at the same time, glancing at each other in return. I smiled at Josh and told him I’d see him later and he just nodded and left the room. Mrs. Waltman smiled sadly as more kids started to file into the classroom for her next bell. “Go down to the nurse and head home.”

I shook my head, “No! Why?”

The indignation in my voice must have caught her off guard because she jerked back and then looked around at her students. “Just go, Lizzy.”

I glared at her and turned on my heel, back pack swinging out behind me. “Fine.” The word was a growl as I pushed past kids and stalked my way down the halls to the nurse’s office. I tried to explain to the woman in the white coat that I was okay but she didn’t believe me. Adults never did.

The thing is, there was no treatment for the advanced stage of my cancer. I basically had two options: I could stay at home and die or I could go to school and die. 

I’m not a social creature but I am always hoping to learn more and so I was attracted to the latter of the two. I was not expected to live to see Christmas which was just a few short months away, let alone my junior year of high school.

I would never go to prom or graduate. I would never get my class ring unless I wanted to order it early. I would never go off to college on a scholarship even though I had always wanted to be a veterinarian and I was working my ass off to keep my 4.0 GPA. I would never reap the benefits of having a perfect score on my SATs and I would never get married or have kids. What was possibly the most unsettling of them all was that I knew I would never lose my virginity and I had actually come to terms with that.

I sat in the nurse’s office while my parents were both called and my mom agreed to come pick me up on her lunch break. I asked to go to my locker during the wait and I was given a hall pass to move along the abandoned halls without disturbance. 

I was not expecting to see him on his knees in front of his own locker, putting books in his bag, head bowed as he worked.

“Playing hooky?”

He looked up at my voice, already smiling. “I could ask you the same thing.”

I flashed him my hall pass and winked, “I have the proper documentation to roam these halls. Let’s see yours.”

Josh grimaced, “I actually don’t have one. I’m on my way to lunch.” He stood up and closed his locker as I opened mine and started trading things between my book bag. “Where are you headed?”

I smile over at him, a little too brightly, and say, “Home. Turns out I might have caught something.”

He frowns as he steps closer and presses the back of his hand against my forehead. I stare at him, speechless and unable to move. “You’re not hot.”

My face breaks into a grin at that exclamation and I bat my eyes at him as I close my locker and zip my bag shut. “You sure know how to flatter a girl, Josh.”

He laughs, a sound that makes my feet falter and my heart pick up its beat. His hand reaches out and his fingertips touch my arm in a gesture that means no more than an acknowledgement but I react as if his touch is intimate and I shrug his hand away from me reflexively.

If it startles him he doesn’t let on and instead he walks me to the nurse’s office as he talks, “So I’ve figured out why Connor likes you. But what’s the attraction there? Are you a cougar in the making or something?”

I shake my head, startled into laughing. “No. Jeez. I like Connor.” I feel like “like” is too tame a word and I correct myself, “I love Connor.” At Josh’s quick glance I shake my head. “Not like that.” I move my hands around in front of me, stirring the air, trying to find the right words. Finally, I stop a few feet from the office and turn to Josh. “He’s my best friend. He knows me.” Josh looks slightly disturbed by this and I can’t quite blame him so I try to break it down further. “I met him at the beginning of last summer. I was walking along the lake while everyone else was swimming and he came over with this ice cream cone dripping all down his hand.” I smile at the memory and recall, “He asked me why I looked so sad. I told him I wasn’t sad, I was coming to terms with my freedom. And he said something like freedom should be celebrated and he offered me this drippy-gooey mess.” He had smiled so wide and looked at me so adoringly. I had a little sister his age and I knew what that look meant. I did nothing to discourage it though. “Connor has this way of just making you feel better.”

Josh nods. He knows his brother better than I ever will. I’m sure he knows this. Then he says, “So you’re friends with him because he makes you feel better about yourself?”

I stare at him, wounded. “No.” I’m suddenly very tired and sigh, moving towards the nurse’s office. I turn and look at Josh and reply, “I’m friends with Connor because he’s Connor.” I look towards the ceiling trying to find the right words and fall short. “He’s just him.” I look back at Josh and shrug. Then I go into the office, shutting the door behind me, to wait for my ride home.

My mom glances at me out of the corner of her eye, the whole way back to our house. I can tell because she radiates worry but I continue to stare out the window. All I want to do is turn around and go back to school but that isn’t going to happen. Instead, I ask her to drop me off at the lake.

“Lizzy, you shouldn’t be out in this weather.”

She’s right so I let it go. Instead I say, “Okay.” And watch the scenery pass out of the window. She doesn’t ask if I need any pain meds. She knows I don’t. Not yet, at least.

When we get out of the car she stops me with a hand on my shoulder and then pulls me to her and folds me into a hug. “What can I do for you sweetie?”

I think to myself, “You could have dropped me off at the lake.” But I just shake my head and hug her back. She doesn’t deserve my anger or snark. I take a step back and try for a smile, “Maybe if Connor stops by this afternoon you’ll let me go for a walk?”

She takes her time debating this with herself. She probably knows we’ll head to the lake. It is, after all, our spot. Finally she says, “Fine. But only if you promise not to push yourself.”

I roll my eyes and sling my back pack a little higher on my shoulder. “It was just a little pain. Barely a 1 on the scale.”

She doesn’t look like she believes me, but later in the day when Connor stops by she lets me leave with him. We walk through the woods to the lake, I’m bundled head to toe against the chill in the night air. “Josh told me you went home early.”

I ignore the question in his voice and keep my gaze straight ahead. I don’t particularly want to talk about Josh or the fact that I had gone home early. He lets it slide as he usually does and takes my hand to lead me to the end of the dock overlooking the lake. At the end he makes sure I’m settled before he lowers himself down beside me, silent and waiting. Finally all I want is to hear Connor’s voice and let him sweep me away with his imagination. “Will you tell me about Nessie?”

Connor is bordering on genius but he still had these fantastical ideas of Big Foot and Lochness as well as a myriad of other unlikely creatures existing. He told the best stories and as we sat at the end of the pier with our feet dangling just above the dark still water, he painted a picture of an underwater world while I leaned into him and stared off at the horizon as the sky turned orange and set the trees ablaze in the distance.


	3. Chapter 3

I didn’t make it back to school that week. When I woke up on Wednesday the pain had reached a dull throb in the center of my chest and I just laid in bed, not sure if moving would help or worsen the predicament. 

Around noon, I made it down stairs in the silent house. My mom had offered to take a vacation day from work but I had shooed her off. She didn’t have just me to worry about. She had a whole family to feed and take care of and we all knew it was only a matter of time before she would have to seriously take time away from her job. We were all as prepared for when that time came as we could possibly be.

In May I had forgone all medical help. At that point they had signed me up for nearly every alternative healing medicine that had shown any improvement in other cancer patients. After some serious debate about it, I had opted out. Nothing was going to cure me at this point. Everything offered would only prolong my suffering and at my insistence we had stopped all treatments. It was as if a weight had lifted off of my body. I didn’t have to worry anymore. I could finally come to terms with my inevitable ending and it wasn’t so bad. 

By Friday the pain had lessened considerably and I was thankful because I wanted this last good weekend with Connor. 

On Saturday, he called before he came over to ask me if I was okay. 

“I feel much better, thank you.”

“Are you sure? We could skip the fair and just stay in.”

I shake my head even though he can’t see me. “No, really. I want to go. I’ll be fine.”

I hear his long suffering sigh and then he says, “Okay. But Josh is coming. Mom said he doesn’t have anyone else to go with. I guess all of his friends have dates.”

I smile and stretch in the wicker chair on the porch, tucking the phone closer between my shoulder and ear. “It’ll be fine. Maybe we can come up with inventive ways to ditch him.”

Connor’s laugh is mirthful and then he tells me he’ll see me in an hour.

I take my time changing into a flannel shirt and the least holy jeans I own. I pull on my Doc Martens and twist my hair up into a high ponytail. I’m on my way out of the house to meet the Hutcherson brothers when my dad stops me and pulls me in for a hug. “You sure you’re good to go?”

I nod and lean into his embrace. “I know my limit. And Connor will keep an eye out in case I get ahead of myself.”

My dad gives me a quick kiss and then steps back, letting go of me. “Okay. Behave and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

I roll my eyes. My dad is possibly the most boring person on earth. “I won’t. I promise.”

I open the door just as Connor reaches for the bell and I smile at him. He grins in return and opens the screen door for me, holding out a hand to help me down the brick steps. Josh is leaning against the tree at the end of the drive and he looks me over curiously. “Did you skip school all week? I thought you were sick or something.”

I’m sure the chill in the air has brought a faint pink into my otherwise pale cheeks. I smile and slap him on his arm as we pass. “Well now I’m much better. So?” I tuck my hand into Connor’s arm and we leave Josh to trudge along beside us. Connor and I put our heads together and talk in low voices, giggles escaping here and there. We don’t mean to leave Josh out but we have built up such a friendship that we can finish each other’s sentences and Josh doesn’t seem to be upset at all. If anything, he lifts his face to us every once in a while and flashes this half smile. I ignore it because every time I see it the fluttering in the pit of my stomach starts up again and I’m not sure whether I want to vomit or pull him to me.

Josh isn’t hard to look at and so far he seems like a good guy so it isn’t a surprise that I have developed this crush on him.

Nothing will happen though. I won’t let it. It wouldn’t be fair to me, and it definitely wouldn’t be fair to him.

Connor swings my hand in his as we round the bend to the fair grounds. There are huge carnival rides set up in Ryle Field and I let out a childish squeal as I get excited. I love the rides best and Connor seems to tolerate them for me. Josh pays for our tickets even as I take out my wallet and I stop to thank him. He shrugs off the gesture as if it’s nothing. Connor lets him though, so I figure Michelle probably gave them money to spend. I know Josh is probably a millionaire by now or at least close but his parents likely have control of his bank account considering he’s not yet a legal adult and he’s not emancipated. 

We ran around like lunatics. I stuck close to Connor and Josh tagged along with no complaints. As we made our way through the funny mirror maze I got stuck and couldn’t decipher the true exit. I could hear Connor laughing from another room and moving farther away and I went one by one, reaching my hands out to touch the mirrors in front of me to check them. 

I yelped when a dozen Josh’s were suddenly surrounding me and I spun around, my hands still out as I connected with him. He caught me by the elbows, laughing and steadying me. “Hey, get lost?”

I stared up at him for a beat, caught in the strobe lights above that swung back and forth around the small enclosure. Josh’s grip tightened and he pulled me gently, giving me the chance to stop him. I didn’t and instead took a step forward until I was pressed up against him. My breath hitched in my throat as I stared up at him and he licked his lips in preparation or nervousness before he claimed my mouth with his own.

His lips were tender at first, gently gliding across mine. And then as my hands tightened against his hoodie he became more insistent. My arms went up around his neck and held on tight as his tongue plundered my mouth. As first French kisses went, it was epic. Instinctually, I met each stroke with my own and when his arms wrapped around me to hold me as close to him as possible, I went on tip toes and sighed into his mouth.

The kiss softened and slowed and Josh lifted his face away from mine and stared down at me, as much shock in his eyes as I was sure were in mine. “I’m sorry.” 

A small smile plays at the corner of my lips and then I’m laughing and I can’t help but kiss him quickly once again and hug him close. “Don’t apologize, okay?” I lean back and look up at the smile on his face and he shrugs. 

“Okay. No apologies.”

I roll my eyes and motion around us, pulling away. “Good. Now get us out of here.”

Josh takes the lead and with my hand held in his warm one he shifts us around our reflections until we’re outside standing in the crisp air. Connor’s face is sticky with cotton candy and he’s leaning against the side of the building we’ve just come out of. “It’s about time!” He moves forward as I drop my hand from Josh’s and take a handful of cotton candy. I walked ahead with Connor and savored the melted sugar as I pressed small bites of the pink concoction between my tongue and the roof of my mouth.

At one point I licked my thumb and used it to wipe a small smear of pink sugar from the edge of Connor’s cheek. He ducked away and I laughed as I chased after him.

The only ride Connor refused to go on was the Ferris wheel. Josh volunteered to take me up and I stood in line with him, my eyes tracking Connor as he moved from one game table to the next. I knew by the time we came down he would have won every game he played. 

Josh tried to make small talk as we waited for our turn but I was nervous. I had to tell him and I didn’t want to. Not tonight. There was magic in the air and I didn’t want to do anything to ruin it. Once our cart came around Josh got in first and then held his hand out for me to help me on. I accepted it and he smiled at me as we sat down beside each other and the lap bar came down across us. Josh turned to me as we started to make our ascent and his arm came up and around my shoulder. I smiled over at him and when I did his lips crashed back down into mine. 

Where our kiss before started gently this one was like a maelstrom. I held on tight while he ravished me, his arm pulling me closer to his body and his lips parting mine to sink his tongue inside. Our teeth clashed together and I pulled away, breathing heavily and uneven as his head ducked down to my neck and shoulder. 

“Fuck, Lizzy.”

I couldn’t help the laugh that struggled from deep inside me. I whispered his name into the cool evening air as it started to get darker and ran my hands through his hair. Finally I said, “Josh, there’s something I need to tell you.”

Josh pulled back and bit his lip uncertainly as he looked at me. “Is it about Connor?”

I shook my head automatically. “No. I mean, it will affect him too, but it’s just about me.”

He huffed out a disgruntled breath and said, “You have a boyfriend.”

I laughed and said, “No, not that either. Just listen to me, okay? Don’t get mad or upset and most of all don’t feel sorry for me.”

Josh’s brows dropped over his eyes as he stared at me in confusion. “Okay. What is it?”

I licked my lips slowly, memorizing that last intense kiss. I looked out over the small town we lived in, at the stars in the distance, past the lights of the surrounding carnival rides. When I looked back at Josh I had shored my resolve. “I’m dying.”

Josh smiles and shrugs, “Yeah, Lizzy. That’s what we do.”

I smile broadly and grab his hand with both of mine and hold it between my breasts where my heart has finally slowed back down to its normal rhythm. “No, Josh. I’m dying now. As in right this second there is a cancer eating away at my insides.”

I felt his fingers stiffen in between my palms as he went very still, his smirk falling from his face and his lips parting in surprise. “You’re what?”

I nod my head gently and squeeze the life back into his hand. “I’m dying and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

Josh looked out at the lights as we came to a stop at the very peak of the ride. His hand clenched mine in return and I studied him, watching as his eyes glazed over with tears. Finally he spoke, “And Connor?”

I smile again, glad that Connor is his first priority because my best friend will need his big brother when I am gone. “He knows.”

Josh pulls me close and curls me into his side protectively, his arm around me, keeping me warm. “Okay.” He seems to take a steadying breath before he repeats that one word more for his sake than for mine. “Okay.”

And I sigh and lean against him as we descend our last ride. It’s the last time I’ll ever be up that high and I try to memorize every single star in the sky, taking them all in one by one. Especially the one beside me.


	4. Chapter 4

I went back to school for the last half of October.  My general physician wrote me a note excusing me from any physical activity since I was growing weaker by the day.  I hung out with Josh and Connor and ignored the strange looks aimed our way.  We had gotten enough of those when it was just a teenage girl hanging out with an 11 year old.  Now it was a teenage girl spending time with two boys and everyone seemed suspicious.

I didn’t care.  Couldn’t care. 

The Hutcherson boys were my best friends.

My siblings teased me about Josh but I easily ignored them.  He hadn’t kissed me since the Fall Festival and I respected the distance he was putting between us. 

On Halloween night, the last night of October, Connor came by to get me.  All of the kids from my grade were going to parties tonight probably dressed as scantily clad maids and nurses while I was going trick or treating with Connor.  I helped get the younger kids ready for a night out and was just starting to get myself dressed when Josh and Connor showed up.  I called them upstairs to my room while I finished painting my face white.  Connor immediately plopped down across my bed, accustomed to hanging out with me here while Josh walked around looking over various pictures tacked to my wall.

I painted the hollows of my eyes gray and turned around for approval.  “Zombie enough?”

Both boys nodded nearly simultaneously causing me to laugh.  I put the make-up away and then went into my closet for the tattered costume I had hung up in there.  As I came back out I started to strip and I stopped when Josh said, “Woah!”

I turned to him curiously and his eyes were travelling across my rib cage where my tank top had ridden up.  It was nothing Connor had never seen before.  “I bruise easily. It’s nothing.”  Then I pulled the material back down with one hand while I stripped my over shirt off with the other.  Josh stared at me warily as I put on my costume.  I spread my arms out and let them take it all in.  Connor gave me a wide smile and a thumbs up while Josh said, “Not bad.”

Connor was dressed as a vampire, cape on and teeth in his hand, and Josh looked like his regular self. 

I gave Josh a once over and said, “So what are you supposed to be?”

His eyes got wide and scary and his mouth opened in a menacing grin.  His voice was gravelly as he stepped toward me, “I’m a psychopath, little girl.  We look just like you. We talk just like you.  We even go to school with you.”   I backed up against my dresser and let out a surprised high pitched laugh as he put his hands on either side of my waist and leaned all the way in.  “The only difference between us and regular people like yourself is that we fantasize about what you’ll look like with your insides on the outside.”

I pushed against his chest and squealed when he playfully snapped his teeth near my face.  “Stop that.  Jesus.”  I swatted at him as I moved away and shivered.  “You’re scary as shit.  I guess it’s a good thing you can act, huh?”

He laughed, crossing his arms, and took my place, leaning against my dresser.  I plopped down on the bed and laid back, resting beside Connor.  Connor’s hand found mine and he turned his head to face me.  His teeth were bright white against the red “blood” on his lips.  “Are you okay to go?”

I squeezed his hand with mine to reassure him.  “Yep.  I’m ready to do this.”

My mom called up to us, telling us it was time to go.  Josh helped me up from the bed while Connor rolled off the opposite side to his feet.

I made my way down with them right behind me and my parents stopped to make us take a picture.  Connor put in his teeth and flashed them in a snarl, holding out his cape while I stuck my arms out in front of me in a zombie pose, my mouth hanging open unnaturally.  Josh stood with his arms crossed, his smile normal and endearing. Afterwards, we shifted around and posed with each other a half a dozen times.  Josh held his hands around my neck and I had Connor’s arm in my mouth while his lips were parted in a mock scream.  Connor bent me back in his arms and placed his teeth to my neck while I giggled and Josh stood by with his hands in his pockets, looking like a regular kid.  I had to admit it was a little frightening how well he pulled it off, as he flashed a grin that was slightly crazy and a lot of creepy.

After saying good bye we made our way out.  Connor ran ahead to each door as Josh and I stayed down at the bottom of the driveways.  We were too old to actually collect candy but I still liked being out with the other kids and the innocent energy they possessed.  Josh eventually turned to me and said, “I was thinking about us.”

I smiled at him and said, “What us?”

He put his hands to his heart and stumbled in the middle of the sidewalk.  “Oh.  Ouch.”

“Come on, Josh.”  My voice turned serious as I put my hand to his arm.  “There can’t be an us.”

He disagrees, “I think there can.  Have you ever had a boyfriend?”

I’m not ashamed to say I haven’t and I shake my head no.  “No, and I’m pretty sure now is not the time.”

Josh looks down thoughtfully as he takes my hand in his and raises it to his face, pressing his lips to the knuckles.  “If not now, when?”  The look he levels at me has me seriously considering his offer. 

“I don’t want to hurt you though.”

Josh grins, knowing I’m contemplating it.  “I’m not going to be any more hurt than I already will be.  Unless you’re planning on dumping me for someone better looking.” He looks left and right and then back to me with a cocky grin, “And I don’t see anyone that even comes close to this flawless face.”  Then he mugs a smile at me and bobs his eyebrows comedically.

I laugh and pull my hand free.  “Let me think about it.”

Josh shakes his head and pulls me to him in a hug.  His lips beside my ear whisper, “Be my girlfriend, Lizzy.”

I sigh at the contact and rest my head easily at his shoulder.  I’m not sure how anyone ever says no to him.  So I don’t.  I say yes instead.  “Okay, Josh.”

He turns his mouth so his lips rest against the hair above my temple and he places a kiss there.  Then he pulls away, smiling.  “We’re going steady now.”

“Is that what they call it these days?”  Grinning, I stepped back when Connor ran up to us. 

He looked from Josh’s smile to mine and then did a goofy dance resembling a one man conga line.  “Did you ask her?”

I looked between the two brothers and then settled my stare on Connor, “You knew!”

He nodded and hugged me, his bag of candy swinging into my hip.  “He asked me if it was okay and I told him you two would be good together.”

I ruffled his hair and said, “How are you so smart for someone so young?”  Connor just shrugged and then raced ahead while Josh put an arm around my shoulders and walked with me down the street. 

Little kids raced around us, each rushing to the next stop on their journey of collecting as much sugar as possible.  I leaned into my first and only and likely my last boyfriend, letting him keep me warm as a breeze blew by.

He talked to me about going on our first date and I made him promise to do something simple.  We settled on a drive in movie because we actually still had one left not too far outside of our little town.  Josh said he’d ask his parents to borrow the car and it was then I realized he probably had his license and if not at least his permit.  Just one more thing I would never have. 

When we got back to my house most of the porch lights had been turned off down my street, including ours, signaling which houses were no longer handing out candy. 

Josh leaned me up against the porch rail and I let his hips come into contact with mine. He stared at me seriously for a long moment before he placed his lips to mine.  It lasted just seconds and then he lifted his hands to my stringy, matted zombie hair.  He sucked in a deep breath before telling me, “I’m going to kiss you Lizzy.”  I nodded, goose bumps rushing across my skin at his husky voice.  And then he was there and he was kissing me while I just held on and let the wonderful feel of something that was real and all mine sweep me over and under. 

When he pulled back I struggled to open my eyes and I whispered, “If you’re not careful I’m going to fall in love with you.”

He looked out towards the yard over my shoulder and after a moment he looked back down at me.  “Promise you won’t be scared?”

I bite my lip, unsure of where this serious tone has come from but aware that what I had just told him has provoked a response.  My voice is little more than a whisper when I reply, “Promise.”

He frames my face with his hands and presses a kiss to my lips.  “I already fell.”  And then he takes a step back and tells me good night.  I watch, stunned, while he hurries down my porch steps to where Connor is waiting at the mailbox. 

I touch a hand to my lips and sigh as I stare off after him.

Well, shit.


	5. Chapter 5

For the next week I walked hand in hand with Josh while Connor skipped on ahead of us, talking to us the whole way to school. 

On Monday, Josh walked me to my first class and then kissed me goodbye in front of everyone.  My cheeks had flamed a bright red and amidst a sea of faces I saw a few girls glaring at me.  I ignored it.  I then saw him at our lockers and he carried my books to our next class.

For five glorious days this went on and for once in a very long time I felt like a normal teenage girl.

On Friday night, Josh took me on our first date to the drive in theater.  Our parents had talked extensively about letting us go alone and Josh had just recently gotten his permit, not allowing him to drive without an adult present.  After much begging on his part they had relented.  Where we lived wasn’t exactly a bustling city and most kids drove short distances and ran errands for their parents.

He picked me up just as the sun was setting and he held the passenger door open for me while I climbed into the front seat of his dad’s pick up.  I was bundled warmly per Josh’s instructions and when he got into the driver’s seat, he put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer.  

“What’s the one thing you wish you could do before your time runs out?”

I swallowed and looked the other way, lying as I replied, “I don’t know.”

Josh chewed his bottom lip, deep in thought, as he drove the dozen miles to the outdoor theater.  “Remember when I said I was already in love with you?”

I sucked in a breath and whispered, “Yeah.  I remember that.”

He cleared his throat, his tan cheeks flushing red as he asked, “Do you think you might be in love with me too?”

I swallowed tightly and looked up at him.  This boy who was so close to being a man sitting here beside me.  He made me laugh every day.  He finished my sentences for me and knew what I needed before I was aware anything was missing.  But most of all, it was the way he stuck up for others.  Just a few days ago someone had been pushed into the lockers a few down from ours and I had watched Josh step up without hesitation.  He had stood up to the bully with a single action, uncaring whether he became the next target.  I had fallen the rest of the way in love with him in that very moment.

My voice was an even softer whisper when I finally said, “Yeah.  I am.”

Josh’s laugh was one of pure relief and he smiled broadly as he asked, “Were you ever going to tell me?”

I giggled uncharacteristically as I turned my face into his upper arm.  “Right now.  I’m going to tell you right now, okay?”

His nod was immediate.  “Okay.”

I rested my cheek on his bicep and said, “Joshua Ryan Hutcherson, I am totally in love with you.  With every part of my heart and my soul.  I am deeply in love with you.”  He opened his mouth to reply and I cut him off, “If you were to walk over hot coals and the only way to get to you was to follow you, I would.  If you swam across the ocean and the only way I could be with you was to swim, I would. If-“

His laughter drowned out what I was going to say and I smiled as we pulled up to the ticket booth and paid for two tickets.  We were shown where to park and Josh backed the truck in.  At my curious glance he motioned to the wide bed behind us.  “I thought we could lay in the back and watch.”

I waited, at his insistence, until he came around and opened the door for me.  He held my hand as I got down and then led me around to the gate.  He climbed over it and held his arms out for me.  I stepped up on the bumper and let him drag me the rest of the way.  I laughed as he fell backwards onto a mound of sleeping bags and blankets and pillows.  I landed atop him, letting him break my fall, and leaned up to place my lips to his chin. 

“This is amazing.  What made you think of this?”  I rolled to the side to curl up close to him, staring up at the cloudy sky. 

“I just thought; I fell in love with you under the stars.  On the Ferris wheel.  And tonight, if you’ll have me, I want to make love with you under the stars.  Right here.”

I looked over at him, shocked by what he was saying, “Oh, Josh.”   I swallowed convulsively before admitting, “I have to tell you something though.”

As his eyes met mine and studied my face as if trying to read what I had to say before I could put it to words, he leaned over and kissed me.  “Me first, Lizzy.”  At my reluctant nod he continued, “I’ve never done this before.  And I don’t know if I’ll even get it right. But I want my first time to be with you.  I want every time after that to be with you.”  I watched the tears sparkle in his eyes as he blinked them back.  “I know I can’t have that.  I know you’re going to be taken from me before I’m ready to let you go so I’ll settle for what I can have.  Whatever you’re willing to give me.”  His voice caught and I moved to cover his body with mine.

The previews started behind us but I blocked out the noise as I pressed my lips to his and said, “I want you Josh.  I want you and no one else.”

His hand caught in my hair and he held my head still as he angled his mouth under mine.  Our tongues met and retreated and a sound halfway between a plead and a question stuck in my throat.  We stayed there, suspended in time.  His lips alternating between gentle and conquering.  I ran my fingers along his face, his neck, up into his hair.  And then when I couldn’t stand the teasing pressure anymore, I ran my hands down to his waist and up under his sweatshirt. 

My fingertips stroked across warm skin and he shuddered at the touch.  I smoothed my hand upward until my palm settled into the indentation between his pecs.  His heartbeat surged beneath my touch.  He turned his head to the side and sucked in a breath.  “Now?”

His hoarse question made me smile reflexively in return.  My body was as ready as it would ever be.  I nodded and replied, “Yes, Josh.  Now.”

He hugged me to him and deftly turned his body so I was under him.  We crawled beneath the layers of blankets and his nimble fingers unbuttoned and unzipped my pants as my hands explored the planes and valleys of his leanly muscled body.  Josh stopped all movement when my fingers softly traced his hardened length pressing against his jeans.  His head dropped to my shoulder and his fingers stilled on the waistband of my panties.  His reaction spurred me to cup him in my hand and when his hips surged against me I moaned and raised up to meet him.

At first contact I said his name and he repeated mine as his lips crashed down.

I stripped him of his jeans, using my knees to push the material down over his hips and then we each divested ourselves of our underwear.  His hips settled between my parted legs and I stared up into his gentle eyes as he first tested me with his fingers and satisfied he slowly pushed into me.  When we were finally together, finally whole, I gasped through the pain until his mouth moved over mine, our bodies still while I grew accustomed to his heaviness inside me.  His arms shook and his body trembled with restraint.

And when he could keep still no longer, when he slowly drew back and plunged forward, I wrapped my arms tight around him and buried my mouth against his hoodie and cried out in pain and pleasure and the limbo my body resided in.

His movements, unsteady and chaotic, triggered my own and soon I was meeting his thrusts with mine.  We found our own rhythm and with it we found an unnameable pleasure.  Josh panted into my hair at my temple, his eyes shut tight.  I placed my hand to his cheek as I turned his face to mine, my lips rubbing against his.  “Look at me.”

His eyes parted and the depth of the greens and rusty reds this close pushed me over some undefinable edge and I wrapped my legs around his waist as my body uncoiled while I grasped him tightly inside of me over and over.  Josh’s eyes stayed open, focused on mine, as he released soon after.  His whispered words as he collapsed all of his weight on top of me, soothed and calmed, and I held him close as our bodies settled back down.

It was only after as we snuggled beside each other, the blankets keeping us warm from the chilly night air, that I realized we were watching Josh’s newest movie.  On screen he was larger than life literally and figuratively and I smiled as I leaned back into his arms and watched as Steve became the villain. 

After the movie we went to the lake. 

I smiled at him, unsure of how he knew this was my favorite place, when he read my face and said, “Connor mentioned it.”

We sat in the cab of the truck, leaning on each other as the radio played softly in the background.  Josh was smiling as he stared out at the lake in front of us.  “What is that grin for?”  I elbowed him gently as I asked.

He turned to look at me and said, “Everything.  Us.  Here.  Together.”  He pressed his lips to mine softly and leaned his forehead to mine as he sweetly admitted, “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else.  I love you.”

I opened my mouth to reply when the dizziness caught me off guard and I put a hand out to the dash board to steady myself.  “I love-“, My tongue grew thick and dry and I tried to swallow but couldn’t.  “I-“

“Lizzy?”  I heard him say my name.  A caress at first that soothed me into the darkness and then again, louder, when I refused to surface.  “Lizzy!”

I sank into oblivion and let the onyx waves wash over me as I drowned in the sticky liquid of my own blood, Josh watching on in horror as ruby red droplets ran from the corner of my lips down my chin to drip onto the pale pink sweater I wore.  My eyes glassy, unblinking and staring off into the void as my brain stuttered to a halt.

My illness had finally decided to take me.  So I gave in to its demands and let go.


	6. Chapter 6

I lay perfectly still and listened to the hum of the machines up by the right side of my head.  I heard a soft voice reading and recognized it as Josh’s.  My eyes were heavy and my limbs were weighed down to the thin mattress beneath me.  I thought I might have gotten a finger to twitch but I wasn’t sure and then my head went cloudy and I was pulled back under to sleep.

The second time I woke up, I actually got my eyes open the barest slit and when I tried to swallow there was already a tube down my throat doing all of the hard work for me. I had been here before, less than a year ago, so I relaxed back and concentrated on breathing through my nose, fighting down the panic at the intrusive plastics nesting in my esophagus.  I listened intently but heard nothing and it wasn’t long before just blinking exhausted me and I sank beneath again.

In the dream I was in Josh’s lap on the edge of the dock at the lake.  I laughed as his lips pressed to a ticklish spot behind my ear and he tipped forward, pretending to dump me off his lap.  I squealed appropriately and wrapped myself a little tighter around him to insure he would go in with me.  He sat back and smiled, reassuring me he wouldn’t let anything happen to me.  But when I loosened my grip on him, he took that split second to shove me violently and I went falling backwards, my arms reaching up to him as he peered sadistically over the side and laughed while the water displaced from my drop and then my head was covered and I could see him no more.

I woke up screaming and tearing at the tubes trying to drown me.  When my eyes opened and I saw Josh frantically trying to stop me, I got him right in the nose with the heel of my hand, blood spurting from his nostrils as he cursed and continued to try to stop me.

“Lizzy, stop it!  You’re hurting yourself!”

His hands finally found purchase and he held my fists down on either side of me.  I fought him for all I was worth, the heartbeat pounding in my ears drowning out the soft words he spoke to me until I finally gurgled at him to let me go.  Nurses rushed in just then, followed by my dad who must have left to get them, and they nudged Josh aside. Thankful to have him nowhere near me, still shaken from that very realistic dream, I calmed down long enough for them to remove the bronchial tubes and cannula. 

I can’t talk after and they tell me to take it easy but after they check my vitals and file out of the room, Josh moves closer holding a cup with a straw.

I watch him warily as he holds the plastic tube near my lips but he does nothing more than watch me patiently.  I take a sip and then another, greedily sucking down the cold liquid.  When the cup has run dry, he refills it from a pink plastic pitcher but leaves it on the tray to the side.  “You should probably wait before you have any more.”  Then he looks down at my hand resting beside my hip and touches the back of it near the tubes that are inserted at my wrist with one finger.  He rubs the soft skin back and forth and I’m busy watching the soothing action so I don’t see when he starts to cry, but I do see the tear that falls in my line of sight to land near my thumb. 

I look up at him just in time for him to wipe his eyes and say, “I’m going to…I’ve just gotta go.”  And he puts his head down with his hands in his pockets and turns away from me, his shoulders up near his ears as he quickly walks out of the room.

“He’s been here every day, sweetie.”

I turn my head towards a hard plastic recliner my dad is sitting in. 

He nods in the direction Josh just went.  “Do you remember passing out in the truck?”

I think back to what feels like just yesterday but my brain is fuzzy from drugs.  My throat still hurts to swallow so I just nod.  I remember looking out at the lake and then I was drowning.  It took me a minute of reflection to fully remember I had drowned in my own blood, not the cold water.  And my own body had betrayed me, not Josh.  No one had pushed me under except for myself.  My own body was the traitorous one.

My dad continues to talk, his eyes casting a faraway look.  “He called 9-1-1.  When they brought you in he was covered in your blood.  He had resuscitated you.”  He looked back at me and said, “He saved your life.”

It took a minute for it to sink in what he was saying.

I was ruining Josh’s life.

I had started this relationship with him thinking that if we didn’t get too close when I died he would just forget about me and move on.  Instead, he didn’t really save my life. He just delayed the inevitable.  I looked away from his accusatory stare and swiped angrily at the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. 

I replayed my father’s words until I came upon a sentence I didn’t understand.  I struggle through with a rasp when I say, “How long have I been here?”

He had said Josh has been here every day.  How many days has it been, I wonder.

My dad watches the door, waiting for the doctor probably.  I wonder if I’ll get to go home this time or if I’ll be here for good.  I wonder if the bed I’m lying in right this very second, the bed I just woke up in, will be the same bed I take my last breath in.  The same bed I die in.

“It’s been four days.  It’s Tuesday.  You gave us all a scare.”  He nods as my regular physician swings into the room, a clipboard at her waist.  “I’ll leave you alone to talk to Dr. Kellem.”

I sit up a little as the doctor addresses me, “Lizzy.  I think it’s time we talk.”

So this was it, after all.  These four walls were the last I would ever see.  This pristine room where countless others had passed on would be my final resting place as well.  I would just be one more body to deal with when it was all said and done.

After the doctor left, I laid there and thought about the short 15 and a half years I had lived.  My life may not have been long, but it had been full.  I had known love and friendship.  I had been surrounded by family. 

I watched Josh push the door open and then close it and lean his back against it.  The way he stared at me I knew he had been told the “bad” news.  His face was red and blotchy, his hair hidden beneath a ball cap and he had his hands shoved deep into the front pocket of his hoodie.  His eyes seemed to travel everywhere at once as if he couldn’t quite make the connection between the girl in front of him and the awful announcement that I would soon not be here.

“I love you.”

I turn my head away and close my eyes because his words hurt me more than any other words that have been spoken directly to me before. 

“Are you going to say it back?”

I shake my head because it’s easier if I don’t. 

The room is silent for so long that I figure he’s left and I raise my hands to my still shut eyes and cry.  My breath saws in and out on great wracking sobs as I lose total control and the tears running down my face are hot and they burn a path that only makes me feel worse.  I say out loud to the empty room what I refused to say to him just minutes before.  “I love you.  I love you, Josh.”

“I know, Lizzy.”

I open my eyes to stare over at him where he still leans against the door.  His head is tilted back and he hasn’t bothered to wipe the tears that track down his cheeks and drip off his chin.  His eyes are on me and I can’t look away no matter how hard I try. Instead I give in and hold out my arms, welcoming him to my bed.  He crawls onto the mattress beside me, careful not to disturb the IVs that twist and travel from my arm to the bed frame. 

I relax into his warm embrace, press my face to his sweatshirt, and hold him tight to me.  I cry into the cotton material, his chest rising and falling beneath my cheek, because I am being unfair and I cannot let him go.  Even if it’s the right thing to do. Even if he needs that gentle shove. 

I don’t sleep although Josh eventually does.

I’m curled into his side with his arms wrapped around me while nurses come in and out, while my parents watch from the sidelines, but it isn’t until Connor shows up with Josh’s parents that I realize what I’m doing.  How selfish I am.

Their son is living and whole and will only be hurt to the point of pain if I keep him as I am.

So when everyone has left and it’s just us hours later I say to him, “One day you’ll fall in love again, Josh.”

“No, I won’t.” 

His quick refusal stabs at something very deep inside me.  I hold his hand in mine, our legs entwined, the rough scrap of his denim against the papery soft skin of my bare legs creating a warm friction that my cold body craves.  “Josh, listen to me.  This is important.”

He props himself up on an elbow, laying on his side, facing me as he nods for me to go on.

“One day you’ll fall in love again.  It could be in a year and it could be in ten.  I don’t know.”  I measure the sudden sadness in his eyes and I lean forward to place my lips to his.  “When it does happen, you’ll know.  Everything you feel for me will be magnified by a hundred.  A thousand.  It doesn’t matter.  But you will love again and you have to promise me.”  I have started to cry without meaning to but they are soft tears that I smile through as I place another kiss to his lips and his eyes mirror mine with a watery film that blurs our vision even though our faces are just inches from each other. “Promise me that when you do fall in love, you hold on to her with everything.  Never give up on her.  Never let her go.”

I can see the rebuttal forming but he seems to think better of it and say, “If I ever find anyone as strong as you; as beautiful and smart and funny as you, Lizzy, I promise to never let her go.”

I sigh a relieved breath, whether he means it or not I say, “You promised.  And Connor says a Hutcherson always keeps his promise.”

Josh looks startled for a second before he laughs.  “Connor is such an asshole.”

I laugh as well and curl close to him.

I wonder if he knows I only have a week left to live. 


	7. Chapter 7

The weakening of my body didn’t stop me from trying to be as normal as possible when everyone was around.  My parents brought my siblings by to say hello when I really knew what they were saying was goodbye.  My family knew the extent of my illness but the younger ones hadn’t quite grasped the concept. On Tuesday while I sat up in bed, my arms frail and exhausted as my body slowly gave up the fight, I cuddled with my youngest brother Ben while he ate hospital food that should have been my lunch but I couldn’t be bothered to chew.

The muffin I had picked apart two days ago would be the last food I would ever taste. And Josh would never know the crumbs I had licked from his thumb would be the last food I had ingested.

Josh.

He and Connor came by every day after school.

They regaled me with stories and that our classmates were asking about me.  Josh hadn’t divulged any information other than I was ill and resting.  I thanked him profusely because I knew I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the unending march of people through my sickroom who were sad for me because I was dying.  I had been dying for the last 2 years.  In a way, everyone was on the train to Deadsville.  Some just took detours while others were ushered onto the express.

Josh stayed the longest with Connor at a close second.  My parents wanted to be here but they could tell I just wanted to die already.  I would never admit it out loud.  Or at least I didn’t think I ever would.  Not until the day Connor started the dance party in my room.

I sat up as far as I could in the bed while Connor slipped off his shoes.  “Sock dancing is a must.  You have to try this, Josh.”

Josh knew.  I could tell he knew.  The way his eyes swallowed me in as if he were trying to memorize every little detail.  The way he ran his hand over the top of my head and kissed me so very softly on my lips.  Just yesterday he had said, “Remember the back of the truck?”  I had sucked in a breath and nodded and his smile was one of wicked intent with a hint of longing and sadness.  Then he’d play with my fingers and whisper hotly, “Me too.”

He kicked off his shoes and slid across the buffed floor, Paramore blaring from the radio sitting off to the side.  He did a little MJ moonwalk and then grabbed his crotch and I laughed, clapping excitedly while Connor did some hip movement that just served to remind me that he had no rhythm. Josh had taken some type of hip hop classes at some point in his childhood and he had definitely retained some of those moves.

Connor attempted a pop and lock routine while Josh hit the deck to do the worm.  I never actually saw him complete it though.  I heard groaning from the floor and then he rolled over onto his back into my line of sight as I peered over the edge of the bed. The hand over my mouth as he held himself only served to keep my laughter in. Connor didn’t bother.  He sat down hard and laughed so hard he cried.

After a seat in the recliner and an ice pack for his wounded ego and slightly bruised pelvic area, Josh’s hand found mine and he held it tight.  My eyes had just started to slip shut but I blinked them open slowly and looked over at him.  “I love you, Lizzy.”

I smiled a genuine smile.  He told me that once a day, usually right before I fell asleep. I knew it was because if I didn’t wake up he wanted it to be the last thing I heard him say.  I always responded with, “I love you, Josh.”  And then I’d squeeze his hand as tight as possible, but tonight I couldn’t muster the strength, so I just told him I loved him and let my hand rest in his.

As I shut my eyes I pretended not to hear him softly crying.  I let him have that moment of goodbye every single night.  I had once wondered if he knew I had a week left come to find out he was counting down the days.  He knew. 

The next morning I knew as well.  My breathing was labored and my vitals were a little weird.  Nothing to worry about, they said.  I could feel it though.  It was the end and it was breathing down my neck.  I knew the next time I closed my eyes I would never open them again.  I knew it with such certainty that during midday when they would normally give me something to help ease me into a nap I refused the drug.  The nurse stared at me long and hard but didn’t argue.  I think the finality in my eyes stopped her.

The longer I stayed awake, the more sure I was that I was hanging on only long enough to see Josh.  The doctor took one look at me, my pallor already that of a corpse, sickly and pale greenish blue, and rushed off to call my parents. 

I was assured they’d be here any time. 

A penlight was shined in my eyes.  I barely saw it.  What I did see was a gorgeous kaleidoscope of colors that wove in and around me and the warmth that encompassed me chased away the coldness in my extremities.  It felt like one massive hug of love.

I turned to it and let it keep me safe.

At one point the arms around me started to squeeze just a little too tight and I fought free to say, “Not until Josh says goodbye.”  And then they softened their hold on me again.

The doctor spoke to someone and informed them that my fever was climbing and hallucinations had probably set in.

I would never know the arms around me were that of my parents.

At one point in my delirium right before my fever broke I cried out, my arms raised in the air, outstretched towards the wisps of color that moved away from me.  I came to, laying in soaked sheets, warm and wet with my sweat.  My body shivering in the cold air of winter, although I was inside and I could feel that the heat was on.

I turned to my mother who watched me and I opened my mouth to ask, “Where’s Josh?”

She shook her head.

I could feel the burn inside me now.  “Where is he?”

She looked to my father and he glanced towards the door.  “We don’t think he should see you like this, Lizzy.”

I collapsed back in the bed and sobbed, my hands too weak to scrub away my tears. “Nooooo,” I hiccupped on a wail.  “I stayed alive to see him.  I fought through death to just see him one more time.  I need to touch him.  What don’t you understand?”  Words I meant to come out as challenging and loud were spoken in barely a whisper of my former voice.  My eyes started to shut and I could feel the cold tingling fingers brush down my spine, waiting to claim my soul.  Death ready for me to join him.  “Please. Please.”  I cried because I didn’t know how else to convey what I needed besides repeating that one word along with his name.  “Josh. Josh. Please. Josh.”  Finally my mother got up to open the door and my eyes shifted and I saw him.

I saw him sitting there in a small blue chair waiting on the opposite wall, staring intently at my door.  Now that the door was open, he was staring intently at me.

I gasped and my body shook in relief as I felt myself slip.  The machines around me beeped and emitted chaotic noises and none of it mattered.  None of it registered.  I watched Josh lunge out of the chair and be beaten back by nurses and doctors as they all rushed into my room.  You’d think they’d never seen a girl die before. 

I wanted to ask them what the rush was but I couldn’t.  I could only lay there and watch as Josh shoved between white coat covered bodies.  He got smaller as my eyes slowly closed to slits and my hearing wavered in and out.  I watched his mouth open in a primal scream, tears tracking down his reddened cheeks, eyes alert and on me.  I watched as his elbow collided into the side of an orderly and when they flinched to the side he pushed forward, his hand stretched out to mine. 

I could touch him.  I could touch him one last time and God, how I wanted to feel that connection once more.  With a reserve of energy I didn’t know I possessed I let my arm fall between the metal poles of the bed and then as if some outside force was pushing me, my arm rose and my fingers connected with his.  He used his hold on me to pull himself forward and then his body was covering mine and he said, watery and loud as my hearing came back full force, “I love you, Lizzy!”

I looked up at him, his tears falling onto my cheeks instead of his own, and I smiled. Because I knew what he said was not a lie.  Without a doubt.  I suddenly understood everything I had lived through and everything I had known.  It all clicked together like an interlocking puzzle and I was aware of the meaning of life.  I tried to tell him.  My lips parted and I tried to say it back to him like always.  But for some reason the only thing that made it past my lips was, “Promise.” He buried his face into my neck and cried, his body crushing mine and his hand holding on too tight. 

And then I was gone.


	8. Chapter 8

**Connor's POV**

I was in the hall sitting just to the left of Josh when the door opened to her room.  The glimpse I got of her before she was blocked from sight by a rush of doctors was enough to make me put my head in my hands and cry.  My mom sat to my right and I heard her say, “Oh, no.”  Then her arms were locked around me and held me close as I openly sobbed.  My body shook and my mind went numb and I think I said her name. Maybe it was Josh who said it.

I sat there for a very long time, crying until I was empty of everything and it was in a perfect beat of silence, as if everything living had gone quiet when Lizzy died, when Josh yelled her name.  He asked her to come back and then he offered God his life for hers.  My mom stroked a hand over my hair and then she was up and through the door to Lizzy’s room.  I could hear her talking to Josh, letting him rant.  Listening to him beg and plead for her, for anyone listening, to fix it.

The nurses and doctors eventually filed out one by one.  Some shook their heads sadly and talked in solemn tones to each other.  A handful went about as if nothing had just happened.

I had detached myself. Felt myself on the outside, not allowing any more feeling to affect me.

My mom looked out at me some time later and told me if I wanted to say goodbye, now was the time.

I stood up and walked into the room, dragging my feet over to the side of her bed and staring down at this person who was no longer a person.  This body that was just a shell.  Her face was smooth, her eyes closed, her lips were neither smiling nor frowning.  I reached out to touch her, barely registering Josh sitting in a corner of the the room, consoling her parents even as he cried.

I ran one index finger across her pale cheek, the skin still warm.  I stared down at her, waiting for her to open an eye and say, “Gotcha.”  I waited for a very long time for her to stop whatever game she was playing.

It wasn’t until Josh stood beside me and put an arm around me and said, “Connor”, his voice hoarse and broken, that everything I had put aside came rushing back at me and I collapsed forward, my arms going around her very still body and hugging her to me as I said her name.  Josh let me go and stood back with a hand on my shoulder, just resting it there, offering support.

I pressed my face into the shoulder of her hospital gown and breathed her in.  My voice was muffled when I said, “Did you love her?”

Josh’s hand tightened on my shoulder, squeezing instantly.  His voice was watery with tears when he replied, “Yeah, man.”  He took a shaky breath that ended on a soft sniffle and continued, “I loved her a lot.”

I turned my head and rested my cheek against her chest, expecting her lungs to rise and fall as she took in air.  Waiting for the thump-thump of a heartbeat that would never beat again.

Instead, I was hugging her corpse.  It wasn’t Lizzy anymore and I carefully let go of her and stood up.  I shrugged Josh’s hand from its resting place and shook my head, suddenly angry.  At him, at her, at myself.  “Don’t touch me.”

It was whispered and I didn’t look at him to see if he heard me.  I felt him stiffen beside me and I felt bad.  He had loved her.  I knew that.  And she had loved him.  But I had loved her first and I felt cheated somehow.  My best friend was gone.

Gone.

I turned around and walked out.  I didn’t wait when my name was called.  I heard my mom say, “Let him go.  He lost her too.”  And I thought of how true that statement was. I had lost her.  And she would never be found.

Three days later I had started to accept it.  Lizzy was dead.  Gone.  Never coming back.  Every night since that fateful day, I had made my way to the lake and sat at the end of the dock.

I expected to feel the pressure of her chin resting on my shoulder or her cheek leaning against my arm.  Sometimes she’d lay on the very edge of the pier and put her head on my lap.  I imagined her hair spread out and blowing in the wind as she told me about all the places she was going after college.

She wanted to see the Pont Des Arts.  She wanted her own lock of love one day.  She wanted to climb mountains and learn the trapeze.

She dreamed of heading north to see polar bears and to watch the whales migrate.

She had goals and hopes and dreams.

The last one she told me had been as she lay in the hospital bed just hours after waking up and confided in me that one day she would marry Josh.  They were going to have two kids, both boys, and one would look like Josh and the other would look like me and they’d be the two most handsome men ever.

But that was all it was.  All they were.  Just dreams.

Nearly a week passed and I listened from my room as Josh said, “I’m doing it.  I’m not asking permission.  I’m telling you out of courtesy.”

“Joshua Ryan Hutcherson if you come home with a tattoo so help me!”

“What?”  His voice broke as he yelled at the top of his lungs.  “What could you possibly do to me?  Are you going to bring her back from the dead and kill her again because that’s the only way you could ever hurt me.”

I listened to him storm out of the house, the door slamming behind him.  My dad said to my mom, “He needs to do this.  Let him be reckless for once.”  My mom’s quiet agreement was a testament to what our household had been like for the past week.

When Josh came home later he went straight down stairs to his room in the basement.  I waited a few minutes and then followed after.

He stood in his boxers staring in the mirror at the fresh ink low on his hip.  It looked like a cross with the name Lizzy inside it but the skin around it was pink and puckered. 

“Did it hurt?”

Josh looked up at me with a shrug.  “Nothing hurts anymore.”

I understand because I haven’t felt any pain greater since the absolute pain I felt that day.

“It looks cool.”

Josh’s eyes fill up with tears and he lets them fall, uncaring, not hiding.

“I really loved her, Con.”  His shoulders shake as he bends over, putting his hands on the edge of the sink and wails, ”It’s not fucking fair.  It’s not fair!”  He makes a fist and punches the mirror, the glass cracks with a spider web pattern and he shakes out his hand, knuckles bloody.

I grab a towel and hand it to him.  “Sometimes I think she’s still around.  It’s like I can feel her.”

Josh stares at me for a prolonged moment and nods, “I feel it too.”

I stare back.  “I loved her too.”  At his sharp look I stood my ground.  “She was mine first.  And maybe she didn’t love me the way she loved you, but she did love me.”

Josh’s eyes softened as I spoke, as if he finally understood.  “I know Connor.  She did love you.  You were her best friend.”  I nod, angry until he says, “She told me one day that you made her happy.  You made her a better person.” 

And just like that my anger left me and I deflated, suddenly tired. Of being sad all the time, of harboring this resentment toward her inside me.  “She was the best.”

Josh smiles at that and grabs me, pulling me into a hug.  “The best there ever was and the best there will ever be.”  With his arm hooked around my neck he dragged me out of the bathroom saying, “Why don’t I get dressed and we’ll head down to the lake.”

That sounds like the best idea I’ve heard in a while.

We sat on the edge of the the dock, our feet hanging over the side, and talked about her.  As evening approached, the clouds rolling in were dark and angry and as I stared off over the lake I said, “Looks like it’s about to storm.”

Musical laughter floated around us and my shoulder felt the pressure of her chin leaning against me.  Josh flexed his hand, curling it into a fist as if someone were holding it and I swore I heard her soft voice laughing as she said, “You have no clue.” Then she was gone.

We stared at each other in awe.

Neither of us spoke of that moment.

We didn’t pretend it never happened, but we also didn’t revisit it.  Not until years had passed.

Half a decade later in the spring of 2013 Josh called me, his voice dazed.  “Remember at the lake?  What you said right before?”

I knew what he meant without him saying her name.  I repeated word for word, “Looks like it’s about to storm.”

His whoosh of an exhale had me sitting up a little straighter from the couch where I was tuned into Xbox live.  “Why?  What’s going on?”

“Everything, Connor.  My whole life just became clear.”

I laugh as he tells me about her.  His excitement is catching and when we hang up hours later I can feel her in the room with me.  She’s like a blanket of warmth that spreads throughout my body. 

Never gone. Never forgotten. 

A constant reminder that sometimes bad things happen to good people.  And that everything happens for a reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story and I hope you enjoyed Josh, Lizzy & Connor's time together. This story is set in the past of A Series Of Fortunate Events which can also be found on Ao3. -Ang


	9. Flashback Fic: The Present

2008 – A Lizzy flashback

I sit between Connor and Josh on the couch. The Breakfast Club plays on the TV in the game room in the basement of the Hutcherson’s house. The pool table to the right provides a separating border from the arcade games against the far wall. Josh’s arm is a comfortable weight around me and Connor is facing me instead of the TV. Connor is telling me about Josh’s exes.

“She was so gross.”

“Connor, you were 6. You thought all girls were gross.”

Connor sticks his tongue out at his brother and then turns serious as he tells me earnestly, “She carried nail clippers with her.”

I roll my eyes and nudge my purse on the coffee table with my foot. “I have those in my bag too, Connor. That’s not so weird.”

He leans forward as if to impart a secret. “No, Lizzy. She had nail clippers. And she had a little Ziploc bag of clippings. I think they were toenail clippings.” He shudders with his whole body and puffs his cheeks out as if he’s going to blow chunks. 

Josh makes a swipe at him with the hand that hangs off my shoulder. “She did not, Con.”

Connor’s eyes get really wide and he nods. “She totally did. I saw it with my own eyes.” 

I make a face and glance to my left at Josh who just shakes his head. Trying to find the silver lining I roll my shoulders. “At least she was clipping her toe nails and not just hiking her foot up to her mouth and snacking on it.”

Connor’s eyes light up in fascination. “Oh man! What if she carried them around in the little baggie like they were snacks.” He puts a hand to his stomach as he swallows thickly. “Oh. I think I just grossed myself out.”

I lean back into Josh’s side and laugh, Josh joining in as Connor gets up and bolts from the couch for the bathroom. 

The exes don’t bother me. I’m the present and that’s all that matters.


	10. Flashback Fic: The Moment

2008 - A Lizzy flashback

I nudge Connor’s arm with mine as we walk the path through the woods towards the lake. “If Cindy Gerber winked at you, I would have had to give you CPR.”

He scoffs but we both know I’m right. Cindy had recently blossomed into a C-cup and her ass went on for days.

“I’m telling you she wants me.”

I roll my eyes and trudge through. It’s November in Kentucky and the chill in the air has me snuggling deeper into my wool peacoat . I inhale the crisp air and pull up short when Con grabs my arm. “Okay, Lizzy. This is as far as I’m supposed to go.”

I can’t help my sudden smile. Josh has planned something but I don’t know what. “Okay.” As I give him a quick hug and pull away, he says, “Now close your eyes and stand right here.”

I blow a raspberry at him but does as he says and shut my eyes. I hear footsteps as he moves away and then I hear another set move towards me, the crunch of the dying grass alerting me to someone’s arrival. Josh’s voice is barely a whisper as he says from near my feet, “Don’t open yet.” He picks up one of my feet and slides something under it and then the other. I frown as I try to figure out what he’s doing.

Instead of breaking the moment I enjoy the peaceful stillness of the forest. Until something cold and wet lands on my eyelashes. I remove a glove and raise a finger to the droplet and then open my eyes to see the wetness on my fingertip.

Suddenly white flakes of snow are swirling in the air above me I tilt my head way back and laugh as it comes down. The crunch of boots retreating have me looking off between the trees to where Josh disappears momentarily and then steps out from again, smiling and holding a hand out to me.

“You did this?”

His smile is bittersweet as he pulls me close. “I wanted you to have snow one last time.”

I blink back the tears his thoughtfulness brings to my eyes. “You’re giving me snow.”

As if on cue the theme music from Edward Scissor Hands begins to float to us on the cool air. I laugh, knowing he must have overheard me tell Connor last week that this was my favorite movie.

Our first date is right around the corner, planned for Friday, but Josh has been pulling out all the stops as if he were still trying to convince me to go out with him. 

Even though he already has me.

His arms come up to hold me close and I step up to him, my head fitting against his shoulder as he dances us in a small circle. The silent whir of the ice machines hummed in the background, covering both of us in fine snowflakes as we danced to the eerie notes filling the woods around us.

“Know what would make this moment even more perfect?”

There’s a smile in Josh’s voice as he replies, “If you kissed me?”

I lean back and look up at him, grinning. “I was going to say hot chocolate but if you insist.” I press my lips to his, quickly, before I lose my nerve. His hand comes up to the back of my head to hold me in place as his lips brush over mine again and again.

My gloved hand curls tight into the front of his sweatshirt to hold him still. My tongue brushing against his lip; his breath catching as he pulls me even closer. My turn for my breath to catch. A gasp filling the space between our faces as his tongue touches to mine and his hips press close, his reaction tight against my stomach. I want to reach down and touch, stroke him from base to tip, curiosity weighing heavily in my limbs and stomach.

Josh groans in what could be pain as he presses a quick kiss to my lips and then each cheek before he shifts away from me. “You’re in luck.” His voice is rough with desire as he turns away from me and heads to the tree he had stepped out from behind. He grabs a thermos and walks back to me, twisting off the cap and letting the steam escape. 

“One hot chocolate for the lady.” He carefully pours from the thermos into the top and passes it to me. Instead of letting go he puts his head close to mine and blows on the hot liquid until he is satisfied. 

I smile at him and his concern and when he finally releases the drink to me it is just the right temperature. I take a sip and lick the remnants from my top lip, Josh’s eyes follow closely and I playfully elbow him aside and take another sip before offering him the lid. “You want some?”

He takes the makeshift cup from me and sets it on the ground beside the thermos, a blanket spread out beneath us on the near frozen ground. “I want to taste it but not from there.” And then his hands are on me and his arms bind me to him. His tongue is in my mouth, stroking along the wet flesh of mine and I follow him down to the ground.

The snow continues to fall around us and Josh pulls me on top of him as he leans back. 

I straddle his hips and cover his mouth with mine, eagerly seeking the warmth that I know he hides. His arms lock me to him and he’s panting as I nibble at his lips. 

“Lizzy. Lizzy, slow down.”

I whine, uncomfortably turned on and being able to feel how much he wants me is not helping at all.

“You made it snow and you danced with me and you brought me hot cocoa and you’re so warm and hard and you feel so good.” I lean back and stare down into his grinning face. “Are you going to tell me you didn’t do all this to get laid?”

His laugh is sudden and long and loud, his lips are turned upward in a lopsided smile. “No. I did all this just for you.”

I sigh and lean down, resting my cheek to his sternum, the snow slowing down. I take these last few moments to appreciate how blessed I am that Josh chose me.

The song switches from one instrumental piece to another and Josh begins to hum, his chest vibrating beneath my ear.

I don’t bother wasting time when I say, “I could fall in love with you, Josh.”

His voice is deep and more grown up than any other time I’ve heard him speak as he says, “Well I wish you would hurry up because I’m already there.”

And that’s the moment I fall, hard and fast and I’m okay with it because it’s him. It’s Josh.


End file.
